It Was So Good Last Year....

el serracho published this last holiday season; i couldn't see this season going by without it being posted once again.

Not A Complete Loss of a day

"torn postcard arranged according to the laws of chance"

This Morning: Me Being Put In My Place

Me (on the drive to work): "If there's any justice in the universe, I'll be put in a room to proctor exams and I can just sit and read that Duchamp biography."

The Wife: "If there were any 'justice' in the universe, you'd be dead."

Me: "Huh?"

The Wife: "You've survived Stage IV alcoholism, severe depression and now lung cancer; you should be dead. Be grateful you're even going to work today."

19

Completely forgot to mention that Friday, December 4th, was my 19th anniversary of being clean and sober.

In The News

Screw Stats, It's Zappadan!!!!!

One of my faves

Reality Check

Saw my chemo-oncologist this past Friday. Hadn't seen him in many months as I finished chemo in May, but he is the one overseeing my case and I was overdue. He did a cursory exam of me ("You sure don't sound like someone with COPD." - at least that was reassuring). So we go to his office where he pulls up my CT/PET scans and the accompanying reports...checks them over. Says everything looks good. So then we get to the punchline....(hey, you think I'm going to weave a "and they lived happily ever after" story for you...)
"You realize there is a significant statistical likelihood this will come back."
Well, actually, I hadn't and this sort of hit me in the face like a cold dead mackerel. "Really," I say. "How likely?" Knowing full well I should NOT be asking such questions....
"Do you really want the numbers?"
I put on my most upbeat, positive tone, "Sure, lay 'em on me."
"35-50%"

Gulp.
Swallow.
Blink.

Ok, then. So I'm going to do everything in my power to be in the other group, the non-recurring group. But those was some sobering numbers. My new motto is : "Think positive and eat cauliflower."
(cruciferous vegetables are proven cancer fighters).

Scale

Our little star next to this thing we call VY Canis Majoris...just how important/significant is that parking ticket now?

Been Thinking...What Does It All Mean?

This is M31 otherwise known as the Andromeda Galaxy. It is 2.3 million light years away from us yet it is our closest galactic neighbor. It takes the light from Andromeda 2.3 million years to reach us.

Okay, if that seems a bit mind-boggling, our own galaxy may contain up to 100 billion stars.

Both these items have been on my mind since the other day when my wife and I had irritating days at work. "Burgie" (my term for hamburgers at her place of employment) sales were way down for the post-Thanksgiving sales madness and then my boss sort of nudged me on a project that has been languishing (she was doing her job) and I copped a resentment.

So then I contemplate Andromeda or our own galaxy and wonder what the hell it all means....

More of What I Know How To Do

kale leaf studies (macro 12x)
as always, click to enlarge

Back To Doing What I Know

kale leaf macro (12x)
as always, click to enlarge

Ever Get The Feeling You've Been Ripped Off

Didn't talk a lot of politics over Thanksgiving dinner, but those I did speak to are "concerned" and " a bit worried" about Obama. Appears he's not turning out to be the President he promised he would be.
Imagine that....

(Remember I voted for a dead commie; you could have, too.)

You're Kidding, Right?

Lead sentence from the article this picture accompanies: Is the world ready for a sport played with a headless goat carcass?

We are spending approx. $65 billion a year to bring freedom and democracy to a people whose idea of Monday Night Football is riding around flinging a goat carcass around? Call me culturally insensitive (and I promise not to bat an eyelash), but these motherfuckers DO NOT WANT TO JOIN THE 21st CENTURY! We've been there 8 years and we could be there another 8 and we are not going to pull these people out of the 17th century-they like it there. The only thing they like about the modern world is the weaponry, which they've shown themselves to be quite adroit with its usage.

So let's declare victory and get the hell out of there while we still can.

I'm Really Glad I Didn't Vote For Him

With headlines like this: "Obama Says He Intends to 'Finish the Job' In Afghanistan"

Yeah, change you can believe in.

back in the saddle?

Since it would seem I'm going to stick around for a while longer, I'll be more diligent with this blog.
And the reading of of other blogs....so here is Friday Cat Blogging on Wednesday night.

Time To Exhale

Back on Friday the 6th of November, I had a CT/PET scan, the first since all modes of treatment (chemo and radiation) stopped. It was early enough in the day that I hoped I might get results by day's end, but did have to wait out the weekend.

Yesterday the nurse-practioneer from the radiation oncologist's office called. The scans came back clean and clear with no spots that "lit up." I am officially in remission.

Now to figure what to do next....

Well, That Was Stupid

Ever since my diagnosis with lung cancer back in February of this year, I have steadfastly made a point of not researching statistics, percentages and life expectancy charts. I told each physician that I didn't want numbers to be a part of my treatment process...that I was in this to beat this motherfucker. No stats. No percentages. No morbidity rates. So far it's been very effective and helpful. That, and I got a really good prognosis from my doctors.

Recently I came across a statistic on another blog about five year survival rates. I read it. I shuddered. I have tried to put it out of my head entirely. This evening I violated my cardinal rule and went looking up stats, percentages, and survival rates. I have scared myself halfway to hell and back. It is nearly midnight. My wife is asleep after a rough day. The cats are all zonked out and here I sit at a computer terminal with sweaty palms and a mind that's running in 18 directions at once. Actually I'm able in moments of pure willpower to bring it back to a center of calmness and determination: we will beat this thing. None of my physicians have said otherwise. No one has told me to get my papers in order by year's end. This is beatable. I must remain cool, calm and collected. I must rid myself of toxic feelings and thoughts. Healthy living begins in the head and heart and I must return to these things as they are what will save my life. My mother beat the most deadly form of this disease, there is no reason I can't.

I should add that I've never had the intuitive feeling this illness was going to kill me, even from the first mention of the word cancer. I've been scared, frightened, bewildered, confused, terrified, unsettled, anxiety ridden, a nervous wreck, but I've never been convinced or certain that my demise would be as a result of this disease. So it is best that I continue to cultivate this feeling and march forward.

This Guy Was An Asshole

Maybe it's because I'm older...maybe it's because of my illness...or maybe I'd like a little recognition for my work, but I no longer have any patience for this shit.

"What You Do For A Living"

I've been thinking about that phrase and how important it is in American Kulture, our view of ourselves and our social interactions. Perhaps it has been my experience with illness that has further alienated me from that phrase (I've never cared for it as long as I can remember). In our society, what you do for a living is something outside yourself that ultimately generates symbolic paper which then permits access to the necessary factors to stay alive, sheltered, clothed, etc. When in fact, what you really do for a living is inhale air for the oxygen content, consume food to be converted to energy and a score of other processes which we barely understand . So when someone inquires what you "do for a living" and you reply, "I'm a stockbroker or whatever" you're really not telling the truth. You're identifying yourself as a human doing and not a human being.

Think about it if you have the time.

The Smartest Dumb Thing I've Done In Some Time Anniversary Day

Last year, October 3rd fell on a Thursday. So did I. Biking home from work on that Indian Summer late afternoon, I decided to "see what my new bicycle was made of..." So I started attempting to do wheelies and other nonesuch to get the me and the bike airborne. Somewhere around the third or fourth wheelie attempt I pulled the handlebars perpendicular to the frame of the bike...uh-oh, I realized, I'm going to have an accident, as time slowed down. My next thought was this is probably going to be a very painful accident. I was correct on both counts. After laying motionless for about two minutes I decided to very gingerly and carefully see what was damaged and what wasn't. My left palm was skinned...my abdomen felt like it had been filleted. Both knees hurt-one was slightly skinned. But it was my pesky right arm that refused all commands and exhortations to move...at all. Oh, the fingers responded to enough commands to assist in the rolling of a cigarette while I sat there and contemplated the distinct possibility that my arm was broken and possibly quite badly. And I was still about a mile and a half from home...did it ever occur to me to call for help or assistance. Nope. Once I determined the bicycle was in much better condition than I, I merely switched shoulders for my shoulder bag and rode home with my right arm dangling uselessly at my side. I did make it home and eventually to the emergency room where it was determined I had broken the head of my humerus in many places. However, as some of you may know, this started a chain of events that led to the early detection of lung cancer in my right lung. Since that fateful day in Oct. I have had surgery to remove a lobe of my lung. I endured some 12 weeks of chemotherapy and then 33 sessions of radiation therapy. Most recently I did battle with pneumonia, not part of the standard treatment plan for this type of cancer. AND I"M STILL HERE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So today is a cause for celebration...had I not been "young and reckless" that afternoon, I would have billions of renegade cells multiplying undetected at this very moment and I would be in some very deep shit. So here's to smart accidents!!!!!!!!!!

One of My Many Problems, Part 731

As I have mentioned in previous posts concerning my illness, it has prompted, if not outright demanded, a re-valuation and serious examination of my life, who I am, where I'm going, what do I want to be doing, etc. You know, all the questions that surface when faced with a deadly disease like lung cancer. So with my wife providing a great ear to listen to me ramble on until I get well enough to seek some professional assistance, I've been looking at a lot of shit that makes me just plain freakin' uncomfortable. Or things I don't like about myself. Or how I relate to the world. Etc.

Indulge me with this example of how I waste my time and energy. There is a new educational model about to be inflicted on the country, but its initial birthing point (I believe..but don't quote me on this) will be in the California Higher Education System. It's called Universal Design for Learning and is supposed to be The Next Big Thing in Education. I only know about it because our Alternative Media Specialist will be embedding instructors' notes in PDFs of textbooks and other work related to digital texts. That and it gets talked up at staff meetings about how excited everyone is about it.

So what the hell has this got to do with me? In a word, nothing. It neither picks my pocket nor breaks my legs. And yet, when this topic comes up, I feel this overwhelming desire to yell at the idiots who think it has so much promise, the Believers! I want to berate them their optimism. I want to humiliate their zeal and good intentions.

Why should I even care one way or the other? I don't have children so how schools teach is of no importance to me! I could care less if my neighbors' kids can read or write...they're not my children. This new educational model has absolutely nothing to do with my job at the campus other than I have to hear about it every once in a while. It in no way interacts with anything pertinent to my life and yet I waste valuable time and energy being pissed over something that has no bearing on my life.
I really must stop doing this. It is not good for my health. It is not productive. It is a waste of time and energy and so on.

And I've got a whole full of shit like this.....

Pneumonia

Goddamn, son-of-a-bitch, motherfucking pneumonia....that's what I've had these past three weeks. Finally got a chest x-ray and it is "widespread" in my lungs. Was given horse pills that are supposed to clear up the problem in 10 or so days. Meanwhile, I'm contagious and not in a very good mood.


So there.

New Tactic?

Read philosophy until head explodes.

Almost Finished

Not in a bad way...feeling like the Phoenix...incinerate the nest and begin anew out of the ashes. Treatments are finished. Side effects are hopefully finished. Time for a massive purge and restructuring of the self after the trial of the past seven months. Time for action coupled with disciplined thought. Time for free thought guided by spontaneity. Time for color to be pressed carefully from metal tubes and set upon the world. Time for inanimate scrap to take on new life. Time for inert paper to shoulder the burden of so much creative impulse.

Time to sweep away and begin anew.

What Next? Hobbit Feet?

So I cease radiation treatments almost two weeks ago, but really don't feel very well all last week. Aches and pains, fever, violent coughing episodes and extreme fatigue. The dizziness and wanting to faint kinda complicated matters a bit, too. Went to work all week. Came home. Collapsed. Repeat.
Finally after a violent coughing attack yesterday morning upon awakening, the wife calls the on-call oncologist. After listening to all my symptoms, he says, "Your husband has post radiation pseudo pneumonia." What the hell? So that's what I've been fighting the past 10 or so days...I'm exhausted.
Walking from room to room leaves me winded...and now I'm taking more drugs.

Wish I had something more positive to say, but there you have it....